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21. October 2016 14:10
by Rene Pallesen
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Meet Aiden and Tiger (aka Calvin and Hobbs)

21. October 2016 14:10 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

Years ago Aiden got a little fluffy toy tiger as a gift.

Over the last couple of years this has been the most treasured toy to the degree where him and Lucas is sometime fighting over it. They sleep with it and they bring it to school to do show and tell.

It reminds me of the comic called Calvin and Hobbs - with a little boy and his toy tiger often getting up to mischief.

21. October 2016 14:10
by Rene Pallesen
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Desert treat for Lucas

21. October 2016 14:10 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

Now that Aiden is a school and Lucas at daycare they are invited to heaps of birthdays.

One evening Kim took Aiden to a birthday and in the meantime I took Lucas for a little desert treat at Choc Top in Rosebery.

The menu looked delicious and not know that they were so big I ordered one for each of us. They also gave us a free ice cream because they were slow.

I felt so sick afterwards and we didn't even finish it.

20. October 2016 13:10
by Rene Pallesen
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Camping at Cattai

20. October 2016 13:10 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

For a long time I had wanted to introduce the boys to Camping. Since Kim had never been camping either and wanted a certain level of comfort we looked around for suitable location within easy reach from Sydney.

We eventually settled on Cattai National Park as it has a lot of amenities such as flushing toilets, hot showers and allows camp fires.

Kim also asked some of our friends if they'd like to join, so we ended up going three families together.

We bought a new tent which by most standards is huge, but has plenty of space on rainy days (which we didn't have) for cooking and eating inside the tent as well as air mattresses for sleeping on.
We also had a camping table and chair and amazingly we were able to fit it all into the booth of my car.

Apart from Lucas getting a little cold during the night it went very well. The boys had a blast of a time making up games, eating food (constantly), fishing (no bites) and eating roasted marshmallows.

I also tried a Danish specialty, 'SnogBroed' (Twisted Bread) which consists to of a sausage and bread dough wrapped around a stick and then baked in the fire. Mavis made one that turned out perfectly - unfortunately everyone was too full from eating to really have a go at it (Maybe next time)

In the evening and morning there were lots of kangaroos in the camp ground, which the boys quickly chased away.

20. October 2016 13:10
by Rene Pallesen
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Royal National Park walk with friends

20. October 2016 13:10 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

We are trying to keep the boys (and ourselves) more active on the weekends. This weekend Audrey asked if we wanted to join them for an easy walk at the Royal National Park (about 30 minutes drive from home).

The walk was along an old horse carriage trail (Lady Game Trail) and was fairly level and easy walking the whole way. We made it well past the half way mark where there is an old watering station for the horses before turning around.

I think the kids eventually managed to walk almost 7 kilometers without too much complaining which is pretty far for their little feet.

20. October 2016 13:10
by Rene Pallesen
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Scarborough Family Trip

20. October 2016 13:10 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

It has been a while since we did a family trip with the family. Kim's dad is getting older and it is getting harder for him to do longer extended trips.

The family found a nice house at Scarborough just an hours drive from Sydney. It was a beautiful coastal home with room enough for the whole family and with the conveniences of a large kitchen, a fireplace and TV for the kids.

The inlaws recently got a dog and she made it on the trip as well.

More importantly, it was just a short walk to the Scarborough hotel for coffee in the morning.

And also plenty of beaches nearby.

19. June 2016 14:06
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chopsticks

19. June 2016 14:06 by Admin | 0 Comments

Last night we went out for Japanese dinner. Lucas wanted to use chopsticks, so I improvised some training ones using a rubber band.

12. June 2016 09:02
by Rene Pallesen
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Aidens 6th Birthday 2016

12. June 2016 09:02 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

For Aidens 6th birthday we invited his friends to a game of bowling.

2. April 2016 22:04
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Eastertrip Oberon

2. April 2016 22:04 by Admin | 0 Comments

This Easter we rented a small cabin out at Oberon. It was a beautiful little place on top of a hill with a beautiful view.

The place was full of cattle, kangaroos and wombat holes (with wombats in them).

Along the way we stopped at Wentworth Falls.

We also went to Jenolan Caves one day.

And afterwards Kanangra walls (Lucas never made the 200m walk there...too tired from all the walking. Pity, because it was the perfect spot and light for a family photo).

Next day we tried going to the glow worm tunnel, but the easter crowds made us turn back once we approached the car park. So instead we went up to Blackheath to have a nice lunch and enjoy some of the lookouts.

Later I tried another family photo at the cabin...very windy.

Overall a nice trip and the boys had a lot of fun.

2. April 2016 21:04
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Eastershow 2016

2. April 2016 21:04 by Admin | 0 Comments

Again this year we went to the Easter Show the entertainment quarter. As usual it was great fun for the kids.

Especially Lucas had a blast now that he is old enough to participate.

2. April 2016 19:04
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Australia Day - Citizenship

2. April 2016 19:04 by Admin | 0 Comments

Australia day was a very special day this year. I have been living in Australia for over 17 years and have been waiting for the moment Denmark would accept dual citizenship.

Although I have been been calling Australia my home for a long time I am also a Dane and didn't want to give this up.

I actually thought that it would never happen, but finally in late 2015 the law was finally changed and I lodged my Australian application immediately. On Australian day I took the pledge and can officially call myself an Australian now.

Kim and the boys, KA and Aaron as well a few friends attended the ceremony.

I felt very proud and was very honoured.

And I was pampered with Australia day gifts.

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1. January 2010 09:27
by Rene Pallesen
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New Years Eve 2009

1. January 2010 09:27 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

New years eve we celebrated first with Kims family in Coogee. Here they had a firework at 9.30pm which was rather small.

Since my dad is in Sydney we though that he should have a look at the proper midnight firework, so after Coogee my dad and I drove into the city to watch the firework at Sydney Harbour.

Kim stayed back with her family because we expected to walk a fair bit to get into the city and especially to get back afterwards (and it would be hard to walk with her being pregnant).

I brought my camera gear and this is some of the shots I took (I haven't had time to photoshop anything).

31. December 2009 01:12
by Rene Pallesen
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Christmas Lights

31. December 2009 01:12 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

Every year the local area puts on some amazing christmas decoration lightshows outside their houses.

One evening we went for a drive to take some photos...and here they are:

28. December 2009 09:05
by Rene Pallesen
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Blue Mountains

28. December 2009 09:05 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

One day when it was raining and we were unable to do any work outside, we took my dad to the Blue Mountains.

It was nice and warm up there considering that the weather was sort of drizzling. My dad wanted to go and have another look at the Three Sisters, but they were covered in clouds, so instead we came up with taking the scenic railway as an alternative into the Jamison Valley.

As soon as Kim saw the drop into the valley she immediately bailed out and said that she didn't want to go....too steep.

My dad and I continued into the valley and went for a walk along one of the tracks there. While there I did some close-up photos of some of the local fauna.

After the walk we headed back up to the top with the cable car and then to Katooma for some lunch.

After lunch it was clearing up a bit, but the sisters were still covered. Instead we went for a walk at Wentworth Falls. My dad had never been there so that was something new for him.

After the walk it was getting late and we headed back to Sydney.

26. December 2009 12:54
by Rene Pallesen
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Sydney to Hobart Race 2009

26. December 2009 12:54 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

Every year on Boxing day (26th December) the Sydney to Hobart Yacht race kicks off.

It is a great event for anyone interested in sailing to see the large boats exit out through the heads of Sydney Harbour.

My dad was interested in seeing the race start and I wanted to get some great photos with the ships and the north head in the background.

We arrived at Watsons bay about 30 minutes before the race start and only just made it up to the viewpoint as the boats went through the heads. We were running the last 500 meters so as not to miss it (it has been a while since I've seen my dad run that sort of distance).

It was spectacular to watch all the ships and the follow boats head out through the harbour and head south towards the Tasman sea.

On the way back to the car we walked past the nude beach full of perverts (I don't mind nudists...but when it is old men with hard-on's standing facing the public swinging their willy's back and forth or pouring beer on it then they are exhibitionist perverts....click here...and....here...so see what I mean).

The winner of the race this year finished after 2 days and 9 hours.

26. December 2009 12:35
by Rene Pallesen
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Christmas Day 2009

26. December 2009 12:35 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

In the morning of Christmas Day we were so stuffed that we weren’t ready to start eating again already.

Kim’s family always puts on a big feats on Christmas Day with turkey, ham, seafood and a lot of other Asian and non Asian dishes.

The food was great and amazingly Santa Claus appeared again (He must have been hovering around in the area).

26. December 2009 12:34
by Rene Pallesen
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Christmas Eve 2009

26. December 2009 12:34 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

This may also come as a surprise to you....but Santa Clause does exist and he visited our house on Christmas Eve.

We did the traditional Christmas dinner with friends coming over along with some of our nieces and nephews. Soeren and Nui joined us with their daughter and Andy joined us with his daughter so it was an almost equal representation of adults and kids (if you count me as a kid).

Later on in the evening Santa Clause appeared (Ethan asked where the reindeer were and apparently they were parked on the roof).

Ethan had been asking all evening whether Santa would be coming. Eventually we told him that Santa is a very busy man and that he visits all the good kids first and leaves all the naughty ones until later...that kept him quiet for a while.

He gave the children lots of presents and soon afterwards he headed off again...he is a very busy person this time of the year (I think he borrowed a couple of beer from the fridge).

By the end of the evening we were so stuffed with food that we had to be rolled into bed.

25. December 2009 11:59
by Rene Pallesen
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Dad - The Handyman

25. December 2009 11:59 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

My dad arrived early January to spend Christmas and New Years Eve here with us.

Before he arrived i asked him if he'd mind helping with a couple of jobs arround the house. I told him that the biggest job was the tiles in the outdoor area in the back yard.

When they built the house they only tiled a part of the area. Later they extended the area but didn't level the area properly so where the joint between the old and the new area was the tiles weren't the same level and were either loose or broken. My dad thought it was best if we removed all the tiles on the upper deck and then poured a new concrete slab on top of the old one. He said that this would guarantee that the area would have the correct run-off from the house and at the same time avoid any spots where water would collect (There is two small areas where the water collects with the result that dirt and leaves collect and makes a mess).

So far we have removed all the old tiles (360 tiles in total equalling more than 1 ton worth) and carried these to the front of the house. We also carried 1.3 ton of cement to the back to pour the slab (65 bags of cement). My dad was poiring most of this and leveling it while I was at work before Christmas. On top of this is all the new tiles, adhesive and grout (all heavy lifting).

I notices after a days rain that water was collecting in a couple of areas and my dad told me that I shouldn't worry about it as he would be able to compensate for this when laying the tiles to ensure that the water would run off.

The slab is now complete and we are ready to start laying new tiles. We bought a jackhammer which has been a life saver in terms of removing the old tiles and mixing the new cement and adhesive.

The area won't look too much different from before though. We are laying the exact same type of tiles (otherwise it wouldn't match the rest of the area at the back of the house and at the front).

I just really hope my dad does a good job making sure everything is level, because otherwise this would be a waste of the $3000 it is costing in materials and tools (I can also see that I will have a cleanup job to do afterwards...there is cement on the walls and the fence of the house how...my dads comment was that he couldn't take that much care and that I'd just have to re-paint the house). If water is still collecting then we could have accomplished the same for a fraction of the price (and work) by just replacing and leveling a couple of rows of tiles at the area where they were broken (admittedly this would have been uneven, but the savings would probably have justified it).

Problem is that I won't know how dodgy the job is until after we've finished the grouting which wouldn't happen until end of this week (with a lot of effort).

Anyway...will provide an update when we finish.

25. December 2009 10:24
by Rene Pallesen
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Expecting

25. December 2009 10:24 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

Good news everyone...we are expecting a baby and the stork should be delivering around mid June next year.

I guess most of you guys already know by now....for the rest of you...Surprise!!

It is not unexpected as we were trying.

Now there is a busy time ahead preparing for the baby. Kims wants the baby room painted (Even though in my opinion the baby doesn't care what colour it is).

We will also need to get hold of stuff like prams etc. If there are any baby items that you can spare (especielly items such as car baby seats, pram and changing table) then we would be very grateful.

We don't know if it is a boy or a girl yet (We should know by the end of January).

17. November 2009 08:46
by Rene Pallesen
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One year Anniversary

17. November 2009 08:46 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

yesterday it was Kim and I's one year anniversary.

We actually celebrated it on Saturday with a visit to one of Sydney top restaurants called Bilson's.

Yesterday we instead planned to have a nice evening out watching a movie in the evening. Kim was apparently waiting for me to deliver something to her office (or so her colleague said) but after work I was waiting at the car with a bunch of flowers. Kim was so excited to go out in the evening that she forgot to get off the train at our station with the result that she by accident ended up in Parramatta (western Sydney)...it took her one and a half hours to make it to the car...but fortunately the flower still looked fresh.

When we got home I spend some time experimenting with some photos and some lighting of the flowers before we went out, and here are the results. The Macro photos are taking using a 35/50mm lens reversed. The light comes from a single strobe reflected of a mirror.

Click here for more photos

The movie was really good and entertaining. We saw 2012...and it doesn't pretend to be anything other than what it is.

2. November 2009 08:13
by Rene Pallesen
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Sculptures by the Sea

2. November 2009 08:13 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

Every year in October & November there is an exhibition called Sculptures by the Sea. The city exhibits close to 200 sculptures on the stretch of coastline between Bondi and Tamarama. The public can go for a walk and have a look at the sculptures and vote for their favourits...if they are able to find parking that is.

Some of them are really good and some of them at just plain weird.

Here's some photos I took of my favourites.

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9. December 2011 08:06
by Rene Pallesen
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Cure Our Kids

9. December 2011 08:06 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

Every year we are allowed to spend a certain number of working days on charity events. Last year I did some with a group from work, but this year I was offered to join Cisco on their charity for "Cure our Kids".

This is an even that mainly focuses on providing a support framework for parents whose kids have Cancer with the thinking that if there is a good support for the parents then they will be able to support their children better.

The work we did consisted of going through pallets of boxes with parent folders and then from these remove unwanted items and inserting new leaflets. A team was also going through other boxes to sort through what could be used for xmas and what needed to be ebay'ed off.

4. December 2011 03:47
by Rene Pallesen
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Mothersgroup 2011 Christmas meet

4. December 2011 03:47 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

This weekend Kim and I met met up with the mothers group for a christmas meet.

Because the weather was nice we decided to meet at the local playground and at the same time I could take some photos of the kids.

The playground has a plastic boat which makes it nice and easy to keep them contained in one area.

27. November 2011 07:48
by Rene Pallesen
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Playing with Leaves in the Garden

27. November 2011 07:48 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

On the weekend I was cutting down some of the bushes in our garden. Very quickly Aiden discovered that it was fun to play in the pile of leaves that I'd left behind.

27. November 2011 07:48
by Rene Pallesen
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Centenial Bridge

27. November 2011 07:48 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

On the weekend we went for a walk in Centennial Park. We stopped at this old stone bridge to take a couple of photos, but Aiden was more interested in taking mum for a walk and a swim.

27. November 2011 07:48
by Rene Pallesen
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Eastgarden Christmas Decorations

27. November 2011 07:48 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

They have now set up the christmas tree in East Gardens. I was trying to find a goot spot to take a photo from without use of a tripod and without being chased away by security.

This was the best I could come up with.

27. November 2011 07:47
by Rene Pallesen
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Playing with Lego

27. November 2011 07:47 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

The other day we were at Eastgardens shopping centre.

Lego had an area set aside where the kids could play with Lego (obviously to get the parents to buy them Lego for Christmas).

Obviously Aiden (and Dad) had to play for a while.

And Aiden also did some drawing (or at least he was playing with the colour pens)

27. November 2011 07:47
by Rene Pallesen
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Christmas Parade Darling Harbour

27. November 2011 07:47 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

Last weekend we went with Lachlan and Na to Darling Harbour for dinner.

This also happened to be the night of the Christmas parade in Darling Harbour.

So there was a lot of entertainment such as the Three Wise Men.

And lots of people dressed as Santa.

And Elves.

22. November 2011 02:17
by Rene Pallesen
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Building Sandcastles

22. November 2011 02:17 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

On the weekend we went tot he beach. Initially Aiden was a bit scared of the waves (although he loves the sand and the water)...but after a while he didn't mind the waves splashing around his little legs (I found the water cold but he didn't mind).

As usual he threw a tandrum when we pulled him out of the water.

Afterwards we spend some time in the sand and I was teaching him how to build really cool sand castles and he was teaching me how to demolish them.

22. November 2011 02:13
by Rene Pallesen
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Swimming Pool

22. November 2011 02:13 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

The other weekend we took Aiden to the swimming pool.

He is really happy with water now and loves splashing around. He is no longer afraid of it and doesn't mind getting his head under water.

Only problem now is that he throws a tandrum every time we have to leave the pool.

22. November 2011 02:03
by Rene Pallesen
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Sculpture by the Sea 2011

22. November 2011 02:03 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

This year I didn't get a chance to go to Sculpture by the sea during the daytime, but I did have some time to go there one evening after we had put Aiden to bed.

I had seen some daylight photos from the exhibition from Tamarama beach where they had these 'Easter Island' type statues. I thought I could do some really cool night time Off-Camera-Flash photos using just ordinary flashes.

When I got there it was almost pitch black darkness...perfect.

I got my gear set up and managed to take the following shot which was exactly what I envisioned in my head.

While there I had a look at a couple of the other sculptures in the area...I did shoot the following photo of this 2 meter tall red chinaman sculpture.

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7. January 2016 18:01
by Rene Pallesen
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Hunter Valley Christmas 2015

7. January 2016 18:01 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

Between Christmas and New year we went to the Hunter Valley with Sasha and his family.

We stayed overnight in a cabin in Lovedale.

During the day we tasted wines at the various wineries (found some good ones).

The kids also loved playing at the cabin in the evenings.

7. January 2016 18:01
by Rene Pallesen
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Christmas 2015

7. January 2016 18:01 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

This year we decided not to celebrate on the eve of the 24 and just stick with the 25th at KC's place (too much cooking otherwise). I was responsible for the Christmas ham (with limited success).

It was a relaxing day and the kids were very exited about their presents.

16. December 2015 13:12
by Rene Pallesen
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Silliness

16. December 2015 13:12 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

Sometimes when I am setting up for a photo especially Aiden likes to jump in a get silly.

It is a good way to test the lighting and sometimes I managed to get a 'keeper' such as this one from a few weeks back.

16. December 2015 12:12
by Rene Pallesen
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Christmas family photo 2015

16. December 2015 12:12 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

It is almost Christmas and I've just completed our annual family Christmas photo and this is the final version.

It was an interesting process getting to this photo this year. Last year we did a photo in the kitchen of us baking a cake, but this years photo has so many more elements to it.

The idea came from a combination of Kim and my ideas. Kim wanted to do a photo of the boys through a crystal ball. I actually bought the crystal ball right after Christmas last year with this year in mind.

We did a test in front of the tree in early December which was reasonably okay, but Kim didn't like the feel to it. She wanted more snow (pretty ambitious on a summers day here in Sydney Australia).

My idea for our family photo was based on me wanting to do a story of us as a family out in a snow storm 'Looking for Santa'. I had purchased a bag of artificial snow and a Christmas cape a few months back and we had some lanterns downstairs so I pretty much had all the components in place for the shoot.

I knew I had to do it as a composite with the boys as there was no way that I would be able to get the photo with all four of us at once. We did the photo over a couple of days, on the first evening (after the kids had gone to bed) I took the one of Kim and myself holding the lantern. Once I had this photo I could show it to Aiden and Lucas so that they knew what we needed them to do (Lucas just had to copy Aiden).

I had Gaffa taped markers on the floor so everyone would know where they were supposed to stand. Inside the lantern I had hidden a speedlight gelled with CTO to make it look light the lantern was lit. We are actually lit by a large Einstein strobe also with CTO, grid and barn doors to control the spill of the light.
At the back left and right were another two speedlights providing a bit of rim light to emulate moon light.

Because of the first 'failed' attempt of the crystal ball I got the idea to extend my 'Looking for Santa' photo into Santa's shed where he would have a crystal ball where he could look at us looking for him.
This would require three components - The crystal ball, the lights from the Christmas tree to create atmosphere and then Santa himself. I created Santa by hanging a hat on a chair which was easy to light and then I had another light which I used to balance the ambient with the lights from the tree.

The final photo all combined looks like the following, but in the end we decided to just use the tighter crop in the first and final photo.

1. December 2015 12:12
by Rene Pallesen
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Aiden Graduation and Christmas Concert

1. December 2015 12:12 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

It was time again for the annual Christmas concert with Aiden and Lucas' daycare.

Aiden is starting 'big' school after Christmas, so this was also his graduation.

Kim and Aiden had both practiced some dancing and songs for the concert and were both dressed up, Aiden as a doctor and Lucas as a pumpkin.

Although Aiden was very excited leading up to the concert and was telling everyone how he was going to sing and dance, he absolutely broke down once we got there overwhelmed by all the people and the noise.

It was heartbreaking to see him like that on an evening where he should be enjoying himself. He was crying and didn't want to get on the stage. Eventually we managed to get him up and he did try and participate.

Lucas on the other hand had a great time, unfortunately I didn't get a lot of photos of that because I had to try and comfort Aiden.

After the show Santa turned up wit presents for the kids and he was a lot happier again.

After that the graduates had their photos taken and had cake.

1. December 2015 12:12
by Rene Pallesen
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7th Anniversary

1. December 2015 12:12 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

This month Kim and I had our anniversary.

I cant believe we have been married for 7 years...still love her to bits.

29. November 2015 22:11
by Admin
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Ballet - Sleeping Beauty

29. November 2015 22:11 by Admin | 0 Comments

Saturday Kim and I went to the Sydney Opera house to watch the Sleeping Beauty performed by the Australian Ballet.

It was one of the better ballets we have seen. The story was great and the dancing (lots of it) was of a really high quality.

The even managed to weave in some of the Red riding hood story, Puss in boots, Cinderella and other stories.

It was beautiful to watch.

25. October 2015 09:10
by Rene Pallesen
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Velvet - 2015

25. October 2015 09:10 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

Last night Kim and I went to the show Velvet at the Sydney Opera House.

It was a combination of circus, burlesque and boogie nights (70's music) in one show.

The show had great music with Marcia Hines and Brendan Maclean and the performers were great. I think everyones favourite was the guy with the hula hoops.

1. October 2015 19:10
by Rene Pallesen
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Some more baby photos

1. October 2015 19:10 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

I don't know for sure which ones are Claus and which ones are Rene.

30. September 2015 18:09
by Rene Pallesen
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Claus as a tennis player

30. September 2015 18:09 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

This post is mostly about Claus when he was at his top as one of Denmarks top tennis players.

I have kept scans of all the newspaper clippings from when he was winning a lot of tournaments.

In the mid 90's he started to get pretty sick and although he still tried to play tennis it was never at the same level again. Eventually he more or less gave up. His illness took to great a hold of him. These are some of the 'darkest' photos I have of him while he was struggling with his schizophrenia and were taken shortly before I moved to Australia.

He lost contact with most of his friends and was very dependent on my mum and dad as well as other support programs in place.

I prefer to remember him as he was before he passed away.

This poem reminds me of him.

The morning after I killed myself, I woke up.

I made myself breakfast in bed. I added salt and pepper to my eggs and used my toast for a cheese and bacon sandwich. I squeezed a grapefruit into a juice glass. I scraped the ashes from the frying pan and rinsed the butter off the counter. I washed the dishes and folded the towels.
The morning after I killed myself, I fell in love. Not with the boy down the street or the middle school principal. Not with the everyday jogger or the grocer who always left the avocados out of the bag. I fell in love with my mother and the way she sat on the floor of my room holding each rock from my collection in her palms until they grew dark with sweat. I fell in love with my father down at the river as he placed my note into a bottle and sent it into the current. With my brother who once believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying desperately to believe I still existed.

The morning after I killed myself, I walked the dog. I watched the way her tail twitched when a bird flew by or how her pace quickened at the sight of a cat. I saw the empty space in her eyes when she reached a stick and turned around to greet me so we could play catch but saw nothing but sky in my place. I stood by as strangers stroked her muzzle and she wilted beneath their touch like she did once for mine.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to the neighbors’ yard where I left my footprints in concrete as a two year old and examined how they were already fading. I picked a few daylilies and pulled a few weeds and watched the elderly woman through her window as she read the paper with the news of my death. I saw her husband spit tobacco into the kitchen sink and bring her her daily medication.

The morning after I killed myself, I watched the sun come up. Each orange tree opened like a hand and the kid down the street pointed out a single red cloud to his mother.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. I told her about the avocados and the stepping stones, the river and her parents. I told her about the sunsets and the dog and the beach.

The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but couldn’t finish what I started.

—Meggie Royer

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